Why I Hate Phones ~ Part I

Idiot on Phone: Yeah, I had an appointment today but I was wanting to see if there were any cancellations so I could come in early?

Me: Ok…what's your name?

Idiot on Phone: *insert stupid name here*

Me: Ok…what were you having done?

Idiot on Phone: Well, I don't know. They didn't tell me anything.

Me: They didn't tell you anything? You mean you don't know the procedure you were having?

Idiot on Phone: No.

Me (with frustration): Were you going to a doctors appointment?

Idiot on Phone: I don't know.

Me: Well what doctor were you supposed to see?

Idiot on Phone: I'm not sure.

Me: You don't know what doctor you were supposed to see?

Idiot on Phone: No.

Me (trying to conceal my annoyance): Well I can't transfer your phone call without more information. It could be many different departments…or not even this facility.

Idiot on Phone: oh. I need more information?(I didn't realize it was National Repeat Day)

Me: yes.
(what I wanted to say here was, you dumb moron- do you think I'm a freakin mind reader? Are you really to stupid to know what's going on with your own BODY that you don't even know why you're coming in??? Shoot, give me $3,000 and I'll tell you whatever you want to know. Idiot.)

Idiot on Phone: I guess I'm going to have a hard time when I get there aren't I?

Me (holding my breath): Well……..probably.
(how do you answer obviously stupid questions without sounding like an @$$??)

Idiot on Phone: well they wanted to check *insert thing here*

Me: Sir, I can't help you if you can't give me more information. I need a doctors name or procedure or at least a department to send you too.
(I started channeling Jerry McGuire- "Help ME, Help YOU. Help ME, HELP YOU")

Idiot on Phone: oh. Ok.

Shoot me now. These people drive cars.