I love this one:
Woman: Hi, I'm lost. I'm looking for the *name* Heart Hospital.
Me: Ok, that is just a little bit farther north...
Woman: oh ok..is it past 34th street?
Me: uh..I don't know, just keep going. Its on the left..you can't miss it. Its bigger than our building.
Woman: Oh ok.........(wait for it).....Do you know what its called?
I'm NOT kidding.
4.10.2007
2.09.2007
Amazing. Really. Why I hate the Phone ~ Part IV
ME: Hello, thank you for calling…blah blah blah
Rocket Scientist: Hi, I was just calling because I called earlier today and was transferred to a couple different people and then they were going to call me back, but I’m getting ready to leave here and travel to *insert place here* so I wanted them to know because they haven’t called me back.
Me (after recovering from a huge paragraph that held no significant information at all): Ok..do you know who you were talking to?
Rocket Scientist: No…I never got to talk to anyone. They didn’t call me back.
Me (pause): Ok…who were you supposed to talk to?
Rocket Scientist: I don’t know, I was calling for them.
Me: Well who were you calling for???(can you tell me SOMETHING that resembles ANYTHING)
Rocket Scientist: *pause*
Me: Ok do you know why you were calling? Was it a nurse? A Doctor? Were you asking about an appointment?
Rocket Scientist: Well I was going to have an MRI and I had some questions about what that entailed.
Honestly. Is it a game to these people? Or are they really just THAT stupid?
Rocket Scientist: Hi, I was just calling because I called earlier today and was transferred to a couple different people and then they were going to call me back, but I’m getting ready to leave here and travel to *insert place here* so I wanted them to know because they haven’t called me back.
Me (after recovering from a huge paragraph that held no significant information at all): Ok..do you know who you were talking to?
Rocket Scientist: No…I never got to talk to anyone. They didn’t call me back.
Me (pause): Ok…who were you supposed to talk to?
Rocket Scientist: I don’t know, I was calling for them.
Me: Well who were you calling for???(can you tell me SOMETHING that resembles ANYTHING)
Rocket Scientist: *pause*
Me: Ok do you know why you were calling? Was it a nurse? A Doctor? Were you asking about an appointment?
Rocket Scientist: Well I was going to have an MRI and I had some questions about what that entailed.
Honestly. Is it a game to these people? Or are they really just THAT stupid?
2.02.2007
Were You Born This Way? Why I Hate Phones ~ Part III
Me: Hello, thank you for calling…blah blah blah
Phone Impaired Idiot: Did you call me?
Me: I’m sorry sir? What did you say?
Phone Impaired Idiot: Did you call me?
Me (exasperated sigh): Well, I don’t know…who is this?
Phone Impaired Idiot: this is *so and so* and I saw this number on my phone so I thought I’d call back and see who called me.
Me: Well sir, do you have any idea of who might be calling you? Are you coming into the hospital anytime soon?
Phone Impaired Idiot: no.
Me: Are there any patients here that might be calling you?
Phone Impaired Idiot: no.
(Is there ANYTHING helpful you can tell me at ALL that would save me from thinking you’re an idiot?)
Me: So you have no reasonable idea of who might be calling you from this establishment?
(I mean seriously people, I’m. not. a. mind. Reader. And I don’t care to be. Simple phone etiquette tells you to at least inform the person of as much knowledge as you can so to better help you in the long run. Moron.)
Phone Impaired Idiot: no, no idea.
Me: well it may have been a wrong number sir, if they didn’t leave a message I have no way of knowing who called you. This is the main number of the HOSPITAL, it could be hundreds of different people.
Phone Impaired Idiot: so you don’t know who called me?
Somebody please just kill me.
Phone Impaired Idiot: Did you call me?
Me: I’m sorry sir? What did you say?
Phone Impaired Idiot: Did you call me?
Me (exasperated sigh): Well, I don’t know…who is this?
Phone Impaired Idiot: this is *so and so* and I saw this number on my phone so I thought I’d call back and see who called me.
Me: Well sir, do you have any idea of who might be calling you? Are you coming into the hospital anytime soon?
Phone Impaired Idiot: no.
Me: Are there any patients here that might be calling you?
Phone Impaired Idiot: no.
(Is there ANYTHING helpful you can tell me at ALL that would save me from thinking you’re an idiot?)
Me: So you have no reasonable idea of who might be calling you from this establishment?
(I mean seriously people, I’m. not. a. mind. Reader. And I don’t care to be. Simple phone etiquette tells you to at least inform the person of as much knowledge as you can so to better help you in the long run. Moron.)
Phone Impaired Idiot: no, no idea.
Me: well it may have been a wrong number sir, if they didn’t leave a message I have no way of knowing who called you. This is the main number of the HOSPITAL, it could be hundreds of different people.
Phone Impaired Idiot: so you don’t know who called me?
Somebody please just kill me.
2.01.2007
Excuse Me? Why I Hate Phones ~ Part II
Me: Hello, thank you for calling …. blah blah blah
Uninformed Family Member : Hi, uh…I need to know if my sister is in the hospital.
Me: Ok…what is your sisters name?
Uninformed Family Member: *so and so*
Me: sorry, I don’t have anyone with that name here.
Uninformed Family Member: Oh….uh..ok…*silence for 8 very long seconds*
Uninformed Family Member: So she’s not there? She’s in the hospital.
Me: no sir, she is not here. We are not the only hospital in this city. Do you know what surgery she was having? Heart, hip, back, etc?
Uninformed Family Member: no……ok bye.
Uninformed Family Member : Hi, uh…I need to know if my sister is in the hospital.
Me: Ok…what is your sisters name?
Uninformed Family Member: *so and so*
Me: sorry, I don’t have anyone with that name here.
Uninformed Family Member: Oh….uh..ok…*silence for 8 very long seconds*
Uninformed Family Member: So she’s not there? She’s in the hospital.
Me: no sir, she is not here. We are not the only hospital in this city. Do you know what surgery she was having? Heart, hip, back, etc?
Uninformed Family Member: no……ok bye.
*click*
Now for what I WANTED to say:
Uninformed Family Member : Hi, uh…I need to know if my sister is in the hospital.
Now for what I WANTED to say:
Uninformed Family Member : Hi, uh…I need to know if my sister is in the hospital.
Me: Then I would recommend you call your FAMILY and find out. Because I neither have the time nor want to do something that you, as a loyal and caring member of your family, should be smart enough to figure out on your own. I am not a psychic, I do not want to hold your hand and guide you through life and although I do appear to hold all of the answers in the universe…..your sisters medical status ain’t one of them.
Quit being a lazy idiot.
Why I Hate Phones ~ Part I
Idiot on Phone: Yeah, I had an appointment today but I was wanting to see if there were any cancellations so I could come in early?
Me: Ok…what's your name?
Idiot on Phone: *insert stupid name here*
Me: Ok…what were you having done?
Idiot on Phone: Well, I don't know. They didn't tell me anything.
Me: They didn't tell you anything? You mean you don't know the procedure you were having?
Idiot on Phone: No.
Me (with frustration): Were you going to a doctors appointment?
Idiot on Phone: I don't know.
Me: Well what doctor were you supposed to see?
Idiot on Phone: I'm not sure.
Me: You don't know what doctor you were supposed to see?
Idiot on Phone: No.
Me (trying to conceal my annoyance): Well I can't transfer your phone call without more information. It could be many different departments…or not even this facility.
Idiot on Phone: oh. I need more information?(I didn't realize it was National Repeat Day)
Me: yes.
(what I wanted to say here was, you dumb moron- do you think I'm a freakin mind reader? Are you really to stupid to know what's going on with your own BODY that you don't even know why you're coming in??? Shoot, give me $3,000 and I'll tell you whatever you want to know. Idiot.)
Idiot on Phone: I guess I'm going to have a hard time when I get there aren't I?
Me (holding my breath): Well……..probably.
(how do you answer obviously stupid questions without sounding like an @$$??)
Idiot on Phone: well they wanted to check *insert thing here*
Me: Sir, I can't help you if you can't give me more information. I need a doctors name or procedure or at least a department to send you too.
(I started channeling Jerry McGuire- "Help ME, Help YOU. Help ME, HELP YOU")
Idiot on Phone: oh. Ok.
Shoot me now. These people drive cars.
Me: Ok…what's your name?
Idiot on Phone: *insert stupid name here*
Me: Ok…what were you having done?
Idiot on Phone: Well, I don't know. They didn't tell me anything.
Me: They didn't tell you anything? You mean you don't know the procedure you were having?
Idiot on Phone: No.
Me (with frustration): Were you going to a doctors appointment?
Idiot on Phone: I don't know.
Me: Well what doctor were you supposed to see?
Idiot on Phone: I'm not sure.
Me: You don't know what doctor you were supposed to see?
Idiot on Phone: No.
Me (trying to conceal my annoyance): Well I can't transfer your phone call without more information. It could be many different departments…or not even this facility.
Idiot on Phone: oh. I need more information?(I didn't realize it was National Repeat Day)
Me: yes.
(what I wanted to say here was, you dumb moron- do you think I'm a freakin mind reader? Are you really to stupid to know what's going on with your own BODY that you don't even know why you're coming in??? Shoot, give me $3,000 and I'll tell you whatever you want to know. Idiot.)
Idiot on Phone: I guess I'm going to have a hard time when I get there aren't I?
Me (holding my breath): Well……..probably.
(how do you answer obviously stupid questions without sounding like an @$$??)
Idiot on Phone: well they wanted to check *insert thing here*
Me: Sir, I can't help you if you can't give me more information. I need a doctors name or procedure or at least a department to send you too.
(I started channeling Jerry McGuire- "Help ME, Help YOU. Help ME, HELP YOU")
Idiot on Phone: oh. Ok.
Shoot me now. These people drive cars.
1.31.2007
The First Rule of Receptionists, Is We Don't Talk About Receptionists.
Number one rule when dealing with receptionists. Don’t screw with them. They are your lifeguard, your roadmap, your connection with ANY and EVERY thing.
Well, at least in the building you’re in at that time.
If you screw with them, they will make your life miserable. Suddenly people will be at meetings, phones will be busy, and certain persons schedules will just “fill right up” at a moments notice. But when remembering all of these things…..remember this most of all, Do not, and I mean Do NOT screw with hospital receptionists. We’re the worst kind. Because we deal with stupidity day in and day out. And when it comes to you and your problem?
We. Don’t. Care.
We’ve become immune to crisis. We no longer cast a sad eye to those unfortunate souls who are too stupid to know any better. The thing is? You can still be polite and tasteful while maintaining a mid-to-high level of sarcasm. I don’t think that any of the stereotypical medical receptionists are right in their level of arrogance and lack of charm. However, I do understand where they’re coming from. But to be truly smiling and convincing while mentally giving them the finger and secretly loathing their entire being, takes talent. It does, no doubt. And that is wherein the best receptionists are born.
Well, at least in the building you’re in at that time.
If you screw with them, they will make your life miserable. Suddenly people will be at meetings, phones will be busy, and certain persons schedules will just “fill right up” at a moments notice. But when remembering all of these things…..remember this most of all, Do not, and I mean Do NOT screw with hospital receptionists. We’re the worst kind. Because we deal with stupidity day in and day out. And when it comes to you and your problem?
We. Don’t. Care.
We’ve become immune to crisis. We no longer cast a sad eye to those unfortunate souls who are too stupid to know any better. The thing is? You can still be polite and tasteful while maintaining a mid-to-high level of sarcasm. I don’t think that any of the stereotypical medical receptionists are right in their level of arrogance and lack of charm. However, I do understand where they’re coming from. But to be truly smiling and convincing while mentally giving them the finger and secretly loathing their entire being, takes talent. It does, no doubt. And that is wherein the best receptionists are born.
I have charm, I have wit, hear me roar! I am, The *Receptionist.
* for those of you older beings we used to be called “secretaries”. But that word was apparently too sexy for feminists, and so they needed to knock it down to something more fitting their level… A word that comes close to bringing to mind the same feelings that “librarian” does. And around the world the mullet loving lesbian feminists are celebrating this minor “victory” by dancing naked in the moonlight while hugging trees and chanting about how much they hate men, while real things that matter go unchecked. The only good that comes from this, is the fact that they can’t procreate and make more idiots.
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